Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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