can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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