Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
