I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
