I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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