Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
