There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
