i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
