Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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