don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
