Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
