honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
