all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
