I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
