She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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