Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Randomize
