he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
