dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I intend to get homeless drunk
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
