You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
