I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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