so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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