I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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