At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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