my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
