If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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