In the future we'll all be gay
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
