Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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