my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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