proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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