I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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