The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
