capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
