I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
