i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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