I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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