kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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