Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
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