a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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