i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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