I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
