Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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