fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
