I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
