you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
