I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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