shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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