On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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