I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
