yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
