I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
