Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
