if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
